Being Parents

A close cousin of security is certainty. And if there is one area in which certainty is extremely elusive, it's parenthood. Most parents work hard to make sure everything turns out well for their children. But they're often saddled with doubt and uncertainty.

That is due in part to a misunderstanding of what it is to be parents. Believe it or not, when we ask most parents to define parent, they can't - and yet they are trying to be "good parents".

Most define parent by what a parent is supposed to do - which is doing everything you can for all your children, wherever they are, for as long as you live (i.e. until you die). And yet you will still doubt that you got your parenting job done because your children's lives are not "perfect".

If you were able to see that you have already gotten your job done, you could probably relax and enjoy your children with certainty that all is well.

And that is what our Parents: Outside the Trap workshops are all about. Our schedule page shows where and when this workshop is offered.

It seems that security is a major element - or issue - in many relationships, whether they are intimate, family or work relationships.

"Am I going to be taken care of?" "Am I going to be able to take care of him/her/them?" "Will he/she/they still be here if…?" "What will I do without him/her/them?"

These are questions that are sometimes very much in the forefront of our minds, and other times hang out relatively unnoticed in the background. We may attempt to ignore them, especially when we feel confronted by them, because we don't have answers, much less answers with which we are comfortable.

Sometimes we look forward to a time when [we know] everything will be taken care of, when we will really be secure, when no fear will be present. Then we get a hit of "reality"...

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it."   Helen Keller

"Security is when everything is settled, when nothing can happen to you; security is the denial of life."     Germaine Greer

"There are no guarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary."  Emmanuel Teney

Perhaps what we haven't noticed is that we ask these questions from an I-based point-of-view, and that the "hits of reality", while being worthwhile to consider, are spoken in that same I-based paradigm.

But look again at the last part of Teney's statement: "From the viewpoint of love, none [guarantees] are necessary." Love is a relationship-based experience. It is not an individual-based phenomenon. The concern for security shows up when one is out of relationship. Security is not an issue when you are experiencing being related.

If you are feeling out of relationship with another or others, and concerned about your security, you might consider taking actions that recapture the experience of being related. Try sharing your fear, sharing something you are withholding, acknowledging an annoyance or upset, or apologizing for something you did or failed to do.

As Napoleon Hill says, "It is always your next move."

Here's to moving - and grooving - in relationship!
Lon and Sandy Golnick