We live in a culture in which individuality is prized and promoted. We measure ourselves by our individual achievements - including, in the case of a team accomplishment, our individual contributions to the team.
So it is no surprise that while we may say that our relationships are the most important things in our lives, we understand that they are secondary to ourselves as individuals. In truth, our individual needs and wants supersede those of our relationships.
"Everyone knows" that a relationship is formed by, and belongs to, two or more individuals.
However, what "everyone knows" may not be the only way to view relationships. And our normal way of relating to relationships as secondary may not be the only way - or even the most effective way - to relate to them.
Several years ago, when we asked why children often feel failure and guilt when their parents get divorced (even though children are usually informed after the decision and had no say in it), Francisco, a nine-year-old boy, pointed out, "Our parents were a part of our family; they belonged to the family and we didn't keep them together."
Consider that once you have created a family you belong to it. It does not belong to you - even though you may say "my family". And consider that once you have formed a relationship, you belong to the relationship. It does not belong to you - even though you may say (quite normally) "my relationship" or "our relationship".
Maybe the relationships are not the addition of one individual to another individual, i.e. individual + individual = relationship. Maybe in the creation of the relationship, a transformation takes place - i.e. the individuals become expressions of the relationship (rather than the relationship being the expression of the individuals).
This may seem like weird thinking. But it may not be so weird. A hand has both a front and a back, each being a different and distinct expression of the hand. But the hand is not made up of a back added to a front, i.e. back + front does not = hand. And a plant has flowers, leaves and roots, but you cannot put some flowers, leaves and roots together to make a (real/natural) plant. They are expressions of the plant.
And consider that you have a heart, a liver and other body parts, but all those parts put together do not form you. If they did, then a heart transplant would make you not you. You would be a different creature - part you and part someone else. And if you had enough body part transplants, a multi-person would exist instead of you. (Now that is weird thinking.)
If you considered yourself to be an expression of a relationship, you would probably behave differently than if you considered yourself to be separate from the relationship.
If you knew yourself as the relationship (versus someone who happens to be in the relationship), you can bet that the needs and wants of the relationship, and all of its expressions - including the other in the relationship - would have the highest priority in your life. And many of you have already discovered that giving the highest priority to the relationship results in enormously enhanced benefits to the individuals. You enter a new dimension of living that is very different from the one that you currently know.
What it takes to know yourself as a relationship, as well as an individual, is what our work is all about.
Our love and best wishes to all,
Sandy and Lon
(760) 603-8343