We live in a culture in which individuality is prized and promoted. We measure ourselves by our individual achievements - including, in the case of a team accomplishment, our individual contributions to the team.
So it is no surprise that while we may say that our relationships are the most important things in our lives, we understand that they are secondary to ourselves as individuals. In truth, our individual needs and wants supersede those of our relationships.
"Everyone knows" that a relationship is formed by, and belongs to, two or more individuals.
However, what "everyone knows" may not be the only way to view relationships. And our normal way of relating to relationships as secondary may not be the only way - or even the most effective way - to relate to them.
Several years ago, when we asked why children often feel failure and guilt when their parents get divorced (even though children are usually informed after the decision and had no say in it), Francisco, a nine-year-old boy, pointed out, "Our parents were a part of our family; they belonged to the family and we didn't keep them together."
Consider that once you have created a family you belong to it. It does not belong to you - even though you may say "my family". And consider that once you have formed a relationship, you belong to the relationship. It does not belong to you - even though you may say (quite normally) "my relationship" or "our relationship".
Maybe the relationships are not the addition of one individual to another individual, i.e. individual + individual = relationship. Maybe in the creation of the relationship, a transformation takes place - i.e. the individuals become expressions of the relationship (rather than the relationship being the expression of the individuals).
Examples of the two expressions of a relationship
This may seem like weird thinking. But it may not be so weird. A hand has both a front and a back, each being a different and distinct expression of the hand. But the hand is not made up of a back added to a front, i.e. back + front does not = hand. And a plant has flowers, leaves and roots, but you cannot put some flowers, leaves and roots together to make a (real/natural) plant. They are expressions of the plant.
And consider that you have a heart, a liver and other body parts, but all those parts put together do not form you. If they did, then a heart transplant would make you not you. You would be a different creature - part you and part someone else. And if you had enough body part transplants, a multi-person would exist instead of you. (Now that is weird thinking.)
If you considered yourself to be an expression of a relationship, you would probably behave differently than if you considered yourself to be separate from the relationship.
If you knew yourself as the relationship (versus someone who happens to be in the relationship), you can bet that the needs and wants of the relationship, and all of its expressions - including the other in the relationship - would have the highest priority in your life. And many of you have already discovered that giving the highest priority to the relationship results in enormously enhanced benefits to the individuals. You enter a new dimension of living that is very different from the one that you currently know.
What it takes to know yourself as a relationship, as well as an individual, is what our work is all about.
Our love and best wishes to all,
Sandy and Lon
(760) 603-8343
Engaged in a teleconversation
We just completed our fifth series of teleconversations, and they have been more illuminating and enjoyable than we predicted.
"Our favorite thing about the calls is that they are about creating together - about true inquiry into a proposed topic and the invention of distinctions related to that topic - unlike a preplanned seminar in which information is delivered by a leader to participants. Although Lon and Sandy are essentially the leaders of the calls, they don't presume to know the answers and are therefore truly engaged in the inquiry with us. We respect and appreciate their vulnerability and the risk of such a pursuit. It's an enriching experience to engage in this type of group discovery that calls for a heightened responsibility for contributing to the discovery and generating individual value." Leslie and Simon
Our next set teleconversations, the sixth since we began them ten months ago, will again be on Sunday evenings, August 2, 16 and 30. The topic will be Relationships within Families, with the intention being to produce some freedom and ease around being parents and children - no matter how old you are. The time will remain 6:00 to 7:15pm PDT (9:00 to 10:15pm EDT). The set of three teleconversations costs $75 per twosome or family. Please call us as soon as possible to register. Or e-mail us, and we will call you.
For longer term planning, the seventh set of teleconversations will be on Wednesday evenings, September 16, 30 and October 14. The topic will be What's the point of being in a relationship?
We have reduced the fee for our workshops to about half for the remainder of 2009. The workshops we have scheduled are Relationships: The Missing Link and Parents: Outside the Trap in San Diego in August and November and in Denver in September. And we have vacation-based Extraordinary Relationships workshops scheduled in Hawaii in October and Los Cabos in November. Please go to www.relationshipbydesign.com for details, and contact us to register.
Are you interested in hosting one of our workshops in your geographical area? If so, please call us, and we will work with you to schedule, plan and produce the workshop. People who have hosted in the past have had an enjoyable and rewarding time of it.
If you find yourself "in the soup" in a relationship or family, or if you are interested in moving a relationship or family to another level of relatedness, please call us to set up a coaching engagement.
"Sandy and Lon facilitated our exploration of being a family and a couple. Without this work, it wouldn't exist. We don't think it's an exaggeration to say that we would have thrown in the towel without them." Heather and Matt
If you are in the Denver area, whether you live there or just happen to find yourselves there on September 23, we invite you to join us at the home of Barry and Penny Berman for an evening of appreciating and enjoying being together. For details, click here.
Lon and Sandy Golnick
Relationship & FamiliesByDesign
(760) 603-8343