As we were driving on a freeway in southern California recently, it suddenly occurred to us that we were trusting people who were behind the steering wheels of automobiles hurtling down the road in excess of 75mph. And when we began to wonder whether it was wise to trust all those people, we noticed that we started being distrustful, on guard, fearful and tense.
We also became more interested in the phenomenon of trust (and distrust) and its effect on our lives, especially in our families and relationships.
Many of us live as though there's a thing called trust that can be found, or that can be gained, by ourselves and others. But thinking that trust is something that people have or don't have can be misleading. When we think of trust as a thing, we begin to look for it - or at least for evidence of it - in ourselves and in others. And too often we come away disappointed - and distrustful.
In our recent set of teleconversations about trust, someone suggested that trust is not a noun, that it's a verb, as in "I trust you". Realizing that there is no such thing as trust, that trusting is an action, that it is something you are doing (or not), frees you from being a victim of trust not happening around you. Trust becomes something that you bring to life.
When you begin to explore trust as a verb, as something that you do, you will probably find that the act of trusting is determined by your way of being, I.E. you are either being trusting or being distrusting. Being trusting, although seen by many as naïve, could be thought of as a gift that you give to others (and to yourself) in a world very much shaped by people distrusting each other.
You may also begin to see that the act of trusting - beyond the act of simply saying "I trust you" - is embodied in the act of surrendering, an act that is invariably the first step to real peace in a relationship. And surrendering is not a conditional act. That's called a truce - which exists in a state of war or conflict. Surrendering is unconditional. And the same is true about trusting. Conditional trusting ("I will trust you as long as…") is not trusting at all. It is ultimately an expression of distrusting.
In our view, the exploration of trusting is critical to extraordinary relationship. Without it, extraordinary relationship can only be an improved ordinary relationship. This article is just a beginning. We invite you to explore trusting - and surrendering - together.
Happy Exploring!
Sandy &Lon