CONNECTED - August 2010
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About Relationships and Families…
In our July Connected newsletter, we suggested that authenticity and integrity could be viewed as games within larger games - i.e. matching our words with our experiences and actions within our relationships and families within the game of life.
Being straight - i.e. saying exactly what you're experiencing or what you did or didn't do - could be seen as dangerous by some of you. You may be afraid that you will produce upsets and arguments.
But if you simply communicate what you are experiencing and what you have or have not done, it would seem that others would not be upset or otherwise reactivated by the communication. They may be upset or disappointed with the experience or the action (or inaction), but not with the communication. UNLESS you are serving up an assessment, judgment, deduction, or conclusion in the guise of "my experience"; or you are serving up an interpretation, point of view, or opinion in the guise of "what happened". Even expressing assessments, conclusions and opinions, when you are expressing them responsibly - i.e. my assessment is…, my conclusion is…, my opinion is…, etc. - there is normally very little, if any, upset around the communication.
However, when you are attached to your individuality, to your individual point of view, and you're arguing for your position, you will often express your assessments, deductions, interpretations and accusations as "my experience is…" or "what happened was…" If you find your partner or your family getting upset or defensive when you are communicating your experience or your actions, you are probably communicating assessments, opinions, justifications or even accusations without acknowledging that's what you're doing - in some cases not even realizing that you are doing it.
And if you find yourself getting upset or defensive when someone is sharing their experience with you, consider that you are probably listening to them within your attachment to your assessments, interpretations and points-of-view.
Call or write if you have questions or insights in this conversation.
Love,
Sandy & Lon
We are available for relationship and family coaching for those of you who are not able to make it to one of our workshops or who wish to do additional work with us. Please call us at 760/603-8343.
Some of you have sometimes gotten upset with yourself about something that happened or is happening in your relationships or family, thinking that somehow you caused it. We acknowledge you for being willing to be responsible and to consider that you are the cause in the matter of what happens in your relationships. If you find that being upset with yourself persists, perhaps the distinction between being responsible for something and causing or making something happen is missing.
Being willing to hold yourself as responsible for something that happened or is happening in your relationship - for instance, your partner being angry - is very different than thinking/believing you made or are making that thing happen. Making something happen is a direct, physical, cause-and-effect kind of phenomenon. Holding yourself as responsible or cause in the matter is a stand you take from which you can explore without blaming either yourself or another when you do not see a direct link between something that happened (or is happening) and your actions. The benefit of holding yourself as responsible is that it forestalls the accusing and defending that often ensues when someone is upset.
"Being responsible/cause" exists in the domain of taking a stand, and "making happen/causing" exists in the domain of physical action. Likewise, we ask you to consider that creating and producing/making happen exist in two distinct domains.
Creating is an act - the very first act - from nothing. And what is created is a possibility, not a physical thing. (You can create the possibility of a Mercedes in your garage, but actions must be taken to actually/physically have it there.)
Producing/making something happen is moving a possibility into reality through physical actions. And usually the first physical action is speaking. It's making a promise (or asking for one).
That's where relationships and families become fun. Together you create possibilities and individually you take coordinated actions to fulfill or realize (make real) those possibilities. That's a game worth playing.
Enjoy the game with our love and best wishes,
Sandy & Lon
Sandy and Lon Golnick
Relationship & FamiliesByDesign