Dear Friends,
Beginning with this issue, we will be publishing two issues of our newsletter each month. So look for the next edition of CONNECTED during the second half of April.
Also, we have a new monthly feature - an article written by people who have participated in Relationship & Families ByDesign workshops and coaching. In these articles, people will write about their relationships and families - what they have been through, what they have discovered, what they have accomplished, or anything else that they might wish to share.
We invite each of you to write an article sharing your own experience.
Our first contributors are Carol Herndon and Paul Bennett, who live in Bethesda, Maryland. Carol and Paul have been wonderful partners in our exploration of relationships and families for over four years now. They created and lead "Treasure Hunt for Couples", an enlightening and enlivening adventure in relationship, which we unreservedly recommend.
Enjoy!
Sandy and Lon
When we first fell in love, we were intentionally and hormonally eager to discover every treasure in each another. But we knew that this wasn't likely to remain automatic: uninterrupted ecstasy isn't the predictable outcome for a marriage.
So we went on a hunt for resources that would keep us growing in love and delight. At the Smart Marriages Convention, we mingled with 2000 marriage counselors, therapists, ministers and relationship coaches of every stripe and approach. We found dozens of ways to fix problems and "work on your relationship." Many had great value, and few looked like fun.
Then, one day over dinner in San Diego, Sandy and Lon told us what they were up to. Our ears perked up. We signed on for Designing Family: A Game Worth Playing in Los Cabos. Wow! It was about playing with relationship, not working at it!
More adventures with Sandy & Lon have taken us to Mexico and Hawaii, and have brought them here to Maryland. When we began leading our Treasure Hunt for Couples, Sandy and Lon offered us their wisdom and experience. Over the next three years, our phone calls became adventures of partnership and co-creation. Finally, we were able to guide Sandy & Lon on a Treasure Hunt just for them.
We see so many couples living on automatic, compromising away their dreams, and grimly "working on our relationship".
The way we see it, every couple gets to make up their own adventure. A big part of our adventure is being with our Treasure Hunters and people who are inventing Extraordinary Relationships. The more time we spend with those couples, the richer our own marriage becomes.
Carol Herndon & Paul Bennett
Stress in relationships and families
In our teleconversations regarding stress in relationships, we saw that stress has to do with taking on tasks that you cannot (or at least doubt that you can) accomplish because of the number or the difficulty of the tasks.
"It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are the twin thieves who rob us of today." Robert J. Hastings
When you begin to examine stress to see what is actually there, you will probably find fear - associated with not fulfilling a commitment. And when you begin to plumb the depths of fear, at the very bottom you will probably find an image of total abjection, of you being completely alone and ignored/forgotten.
So you do whatever you can to avoid being outcast or rejected - including taking on a bunch of tasks (that you may not be able to accomplish) so that people will think well of you and accept you - which perpetuates the fear of not being well thought of and adds to your stress.
Perhaps the antidote for stress is not getting everything done. Perhaps it is realizing you are related and cannot not be. That being a separate individual is a myth. That you will never truly be alone. That you will still be related if you fail or say no. That relationship is not earned. It is guaranteed because it is who you are.
"The most exciting breakthroughs of the 21st century will occur not because of technology, but because of an expanded concept of what it means to be human." John Naisbitt & Patricia Aburdene, Megatrends 2000
Think about it.
We love you,
Sandy and Lon
Our fourth set of teleconversations for the continuing exploration and support of relationships and families begins on April 22. The topic of the three conversations in this set is Certainty and Security in Relationships. And given how much we discovered about stress in our last set of calls, we are looking forward to this set with much less stress.
Our relationship and family workshops are easy-going, engaging and enlivening.
Please go to www.familiesbydesign.com to see our current schedule of workshops for relationships, parents and families.
Call us with questions or to register.
Lon and Sandy Golnick
(760) 603-8343